


...Things got Cosmopolitan

by BarPurple



Series: So this one time... [7]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Girl's Night Out, Magazine Quiz, Sexual Content, Talk of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 02:41:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6405454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarPurple/pseuds/BarPurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The follow up to ...Henry Saved the Day as requested by sosha20, galadriel26, LoveHOOKed, ahookedhero and ctdg.<br/>Hope you all enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	...Things got Cosmopolitan

**Author's Note:**

> This one ran away from me. No really sexy times in here, but it is the topic of conversation, hence the E rating.

Ruby dropped the glossy magazine on the table as she put down another pitcher of cocktail. She grinned wolfishly at the four slightly puzzled looks.

“Thought you might like to read what you’re drinking.”

Emma flipped the magazine over and read the title. On seeing the bold Cosmo banner Regina snagged it from the table and began flicking through it to the fashion spreads. Belle let out an excited squeak as she spotted a pair of deep red sky scraper heels. Regina tutted,

“You’re obsessed with being taller aren’t you?”

Belle pouted at her;

“We’re not all built like beanstalks. Besides high heels are one of the wonders of this realm.”

Snow craned over to see the shoes that had captured Belle’s attention.

“Wow, they are high and look a bit like dragon hide.”

Emma snorted into her drink as she remember something Gold had told last time they had drinks; “Thought you weren’t a fan of dragon hide, Belle.”

“Prefers her scales on the golden side.”

Snow and Emma chortled at Regina’s lightening quick comment. Belle held her giggles in for a moment, but then joined the laughter. At this moment Henry walked into the diner, the sound of his Moms and Grandmas laughing caused his step to falter. There was something about the slightly manic edge that worried him. Ruby bustled past and grabbed his arm.

“You might want to skedaddle, kid.”

“Why?”

Ruby glanced over her shoulder and then gave him a tooth grin.

“That’s the quiz special of Cosmo. I’m hoping they’ll find the relationship quizzes on page 52.”

Henry’s eyebrows hitched and he turned on his heel, muttering a fast goodbye to Ruby. The werewolf had a wicked streak a mile wide that only got worse this close to a full moon. He’d seen some of the girls at school take quizzes like that before and he didn’t want to risk overhearing anything like that from his family. The sudden burst of giggling as the door swung shut told him that getting away was a great plan.

 

Regina found the quizzes and raised a dubious eyebrow.

“Are these things serious?”

“Hell no! Total garbage.”

“Oh come on Emma, it’s just a bit of fun.”

Emma sighed and held her hand out for the magazine. She gave the page a hard stare.

“I don’t know how many of these are going to apply to us.”

“What do you mean?”

“Okay question one; How did you meet?”

“While I was robbing him.”

“I was his price in a deal to save my town.”

“I saved his son from a flying monkey.”

“Right see that’s what I mean, the choices are things like at work, through friends, or online.”

Snow looked over Emma’s shoulder, “So, pulled him out from under a pile of heartless bodies, isn’t an option either?”

Emma rolled her eyes; “Oddly enough no. I guess we all tick other.”

“Question two; How long before he asked you on a date? hours, days weeks, months, but no option for over three decades because of a curse.” 

_On the Jolly Roger Henry huffed and pulled out his cell. A rapid text exchange later and he was heading towards the deck._

_“I’m going to Hansel’s, so you guys feel free to give into temptation and read those quizzes properly.”_

_There was a mixed chorus of denial from the men of his family that Henry responded to with a typical teenaged, “Yeah. Right.” A tense silence descended on the cabin as four pairs of ears strained to hear Henry jump onto the docks. The second the gangplank creaked there was an undignified scramble for the magazine that all four men agreed would never be spoken of._

“Where did you go on your first date?”

“We didn’t really have a first date.”

Emma grinned, “Hey look at this ‘candle lit dinner at a fancy restaurant’ is on the list.”

Regina and Belle both looked surprised. “What? Killian plans brilliant dates.”

“I suppose a formal ball in Camelot isn’t on the list.”

“And I guess hamburgers while I thought I was someone else isn’t there either.”

“That’ll be a no to both of those.”

_”What did he do for Valentine’s day?” I tick option D ‘He doesn’t know what Valentine’s Day is’ I suspect that’s not a good thing, is it?”_

_Charming was laughing far too smugly at the outlaw’s ignorance, so Rumple felt perfect justified in saying;_

_“Tell me do you lose points for giving your true love a card addressed to your wife?”_

_Charming’s grin slid from his face and Killian spluttered on his rum._

_“Bad form, mate.”_

“What was the last romantic gift he got you? We don’t really do gifts.”

Regina shrugged, “Same here.”

Snow heaved a sigh; “A lie in. What? We have a baby, it was the sweetest thing he could have done for me.”

“A non-magical, naturally grown red rose.”

Belle found herself the subject of three puzzled stares. It was Regina who carefully voiced the consensus;

“That is oddly specific.”

Belle nodded and stirred the swizzle stick in her drink.

“Hum, you have to make sure with Rum, else you end up with your former fiancé in a vase on the dining room table.”

“Okay, moving swiftly on. Dress sense,” Emma ran her finger down the options, “I think there’s an answer option for all of us. How does your man dress; bespoke suits,” Belle raised her glass with a grin, “Jeans and button-downs,” Snow clapped her hands with glee, “Army store hunting gear,” Regina hummed for a moment then nodded. Emma bit her lip and managed to giggle out, “Leather and eye liner.”

The four of them dissolved into giggles. 

“Okay, let’s see if we can all get an answer on the next one, underwear. Plain black boxer-briefs?” Regina and Snow both nodded, “Okay Killian’s are patterned, but mostly black so I guess that counts.”

“What pattern? Oh my goodness, does Captain Hook had little anchors on his undies?”

Emma concentrated on refilling their glasses as she muttered, “Skull and crossed bones actually.”

Snow pulled the magazine from under Emma’s arm as the other two women snorted into their drinks.

“With motifs is on the list, Emma, and so are silk boxer shorts, Belle.”

“Oh Rum doesn’t wear those.”

“More of a Y-fronts guy?”

“No, I mean he doesn’t wear underwear. He’s used to going commando. Oh come on, you all saw what he wore back home, skin tight leather is exactly that.”  
Emma, Snow and Regina fell silent while the digested this nugget of information. They’d always thought Belle’s love life was on the odd side, but wow. Snow gave herself a little shake and read the title of the next section.

“Public Displays of Affection. I think this is going to be all checks in the yes column. In public will he hold your hand, walk arm in arm, hug you, kiss you on the cheek, kiss you on the lips. Oh look Emma, bonus points if you’ve ever been arrested for taking a PDA too far.”

There wasn’t much heat in the glare Emma turned on her mother. Everyone in town had heard the story of Prince Charming marching a handcuffed Hook to the sheriff’s station after catching him kissing Emma a little too enthusiastically outside Grannys.

“Okay I’ll take the points, but so should you. The amount of times I’ve had to tell you and Dad to cool it is insane.”

“Yes, but that wasn’t in an official officer of the law capacity.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “No, just a deeply disturbed daughter capacity.”

Snow smiled and continued;

“Shall we traumatise each other further by answering in the bedroom?”

“Only with more alcohol.”

At that exact moment Ruby appeared with another two pitchers of cocktail and disappeared just as quickly. Emma took a moment to be slightly suspicious of her friend’s behaviour, after all this was just the saucy sort of conversation that Ruby thrived on, but Snow’s startled gasp dragged her attention back to the magazine.

“Okay, we can take a pass on any of these questions.”

Snow took a deep breath and began reading;

“One, when was the last time you had sex? More than a month ago, three to four weeks ago, two to, you get the idea.”

Snow closed her eyes and quickly answered; “Two days ago.”

Regina and Emma chimed in with, “Yesterday.”

Belle grinned, “This morning.”

“On average how many times a week do you have sex?, once or twice.”

“Three or four.

“Same.”

“Every day sometimes twice.”

Three jaws hit the table and three pairs of wide eyes turned to Belle.

“And here we were thinking Rumple was changed man, but it turns out he just doesn’t have time for evil anymore.”

_Rumple casually refilled the glasses and a smile that was more of a smirk curling his lips._

_“So the oldest man here, is getting more than the three of us put together? That’s, disturbing.”_

_“Annoying.”_

_“Impressive.”_

Snow’s eyeballs almost fell out on to the table. She took a large gulp from her glass and quietly read aloud;

“Have you tried any of the following kinks?”

“No!” Emma almost shouted, “Just no, I don’t want to know at all.”

“Not comfortable picturing mom and dad roleplaying, Miss Swan?”

Emma glared at Regina only to bury her head in her hands as Snow asked;

“What’s breathplay?”

“Restricting breathing to heighten adrenaline and arousal.”

Belle’s explanation sounded like a text book definition, which is probably where she’d got it from, but Emma’s treacherous imagination provided her with a picture of Gold’s flawless neckties. As she downed her cocktail and reached for the pitcher, only to find that Regina was already doing the same thing. The disturbed look on Regina’s face suggested that she had a similar thought. As cool as a cucumber Belle suggested;

“Maybe we should skip the rest of this section?”

“Oh gods please!”

“Yes.”

“Fine by me.”

_”I swear if you have a smug, leering, or cocky grin on your face when I look up I will punch you, Hook!”_

_“Well this is going to be interesting; you’ve just banned eighty percent of his facial expressions.”_

_Killian frowned at Rumple and Robin._

_“Oh, a sulking pout!”_

_“You can look up now David!”_

“Oh hang on we were supposed to keep a tally!”

“What? Why?”

“There’s a point system and rates based on fairy tale characters.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep,” Belle frowned at the page and grinned, all of their guys were listed, well at least their names, “Let’s start with Prince Charming; ‘Classic square jawed hero, who treats you like a princess…’”

Snow was smiling happily, but her face fell as Belle continued, “Shame the swordsmanship doesn’t extend into the bedroom. It might be True Love, but no one ever said happily ever after would be exciting.”

Snow’s squeak of outrage was impressive. She snatched the magazine from Belle and laughed triumphantly.

“Here we are Regina; ‘Robin Hood, a gentleman rogue. He might steal from your purse, but at least you know it’s for a good cause. Sweet to a fault, but still thinks a romantic weekend is camping in the forest with his Merry Men.’”

The thunderous look on Regina’s face would have given Emma cause for concern, if she hadn’t have seen the laughter in her eyes. Regenia reached for the magazine and quickly found the blurb for a certain pirate.

“Let’s see; ‘Captain Hook; Excellent swash buckler, but will flirt with everything with a pulse. A walking single entendre, who spends a pirate’s bounty on eyeliner and rum.’ I thought you said these things were nonsense.”

Emma laughed and took the magazine from Regina.

“Belle’s turn, ‘The Beast; an energetic wild animal in the bedroom, but has a possessive streak that causes him to growl at anyone who looks at you…’ I suppose we should be thankful he’s just growling at people these days.”

“Not turning them into snails.”

Snow pouted; “Why is it the Beast gets the nicest write up?”

Belle smiled and shrugged; “Everyone looks a villain with a heart of gold.”

 

The sound of groaning and giggling reached Ruby’s ears as she sat outside the diner. She smiled and leaned her head on the tweed clad shoulder next to her.

“Told you that would keep them distracted.”

Archie wrapped his arm around her and sighed contentedly as she melted into his side.

“I’m sorry this hasn’t been much of a date.”

Ruby’s voice was small and shy, Archie shrugged until she raised her eyes to his.

“Any time I get to spend with you is the perfect date, Ruby.”

She smiled and pressed a brief kiss to his lips. As she pulled back she grinned, Archie still blushed when they kissed and it was the sweetest thing ever. He cleared his throat.

“I was thinking we could do something a little more traditional for our next date.”

“What would that be?”

“You could come over to my house and I could cook for you?”

Ruby bit her lip, this was quite the step.

“A candle lit dinner maybe?”

Archie took a deep breath.

“Actually I was thinking breakfast.”

Ruby’s eyebrows rose, but she couldn’t seem to find the words to get clarification. It didn’t matter Archie knew exactly what she needed. He threaded their fingers together and fixed his eyes on them as he softly said;

“I would like to cook you breakfast in bed, after you’ve spent the night with me.”

Archie glance up and was suddenly kissed hard and fast. Ruby bounced away from him leaving him dazed.

“Wh…where are you going?”

Ruby span on her heels and grinned at him.

“I’m closing the diner and grabbing an overnight bag.”

A happy grin bloomed on Archie’s face.

“Okay. Good. I’ll just wait here.”

Fifteen minutes later he almost wished he’d had the sense to wait just around the corner, or across the street, or anywhere that kept him hidden from the four slightly tipsy women that came grumbling out of the diner. 

“Good evening, ladies.”

Four appraising stares dissolved into four knowing grins.

“Ah, I think we have found the reason for early closing.”

“Have fun Archie.”

The four of them departed giggling almost to the point of cackling, and finally Archie exhaled and mopped his brow with his handkerchief.

“That could have been worse.”


End file.
